Monday, July 25, 2011

Tip-toeing through a minefield of boots.

Image from Nina Proudman Fashion on Facebook

Let me start by saying I enjoy the Channel Ten series Offspring and I particularly appreciate many of the fashion choices selected for the character of Nina Proudman (played rather delightfully by Asher Keddie, and seen in the above image). If you haven't ever watched an episode of Offspring then you would be unaware of Nina's favoured choice of footwear. Often a knee high leather boot, worn either with floaty and feminine dresses or over denim. And I think it looks great.

Nina's influence aside, for some time I have been toying with the idea of purchasing a lovely pair of leather boots and with the bright red flashes of Sale signs dancing before my eyes, the other day I finally took the plunge.

Now to be perfectly honest, it was not love at first sight. I liked the heel height (I'm sorry, what are you saying Dr Chiropractor? Heels....bad....*sticks fingers in ears and sings la la la*), I liked the boot height (just below the knee), and I liked the colour (a neutral stone/grey) but there was some runching. Hmmm, runching...80s flashback anyone? But lo and behold, runching on the shelf appears far the leg, and so it was that the boots, in their kiddie playhouse sized box, came home with me. And I was happy.

But the very next day, as I slid my lovely new boots on over my jeans and took a moment to appreciate how the colour perfectly complimented the dress-style top I was wearing, The Coach walked into the bedroom, stopped dead in his tracks and said the unthinkable,

"Oh my God, you are wearing come f*** me boots."

I don't mind telling you I was mortified. Here was I feeling all stylish and Nina-esque but with ten words The Coach had me doubting any style cred I thought I may have had. Of course I was very quick to rebut his words and assure him that he was completely delusional and these boots in no way, shape or form resembled cfm boots. But he was adamant, and for all my false bravado, the second he was gone I was madly searching on the Internet for a definition of such boots, fearing I had made a terrible error in judgment.

After multiple Google searches and consultation with my wise and fashionable Tweeps on Twitter (especially the All Shoe Knowing Goddess @Gabfran), I have breathed a huge sigh of relief in the knowledge that my boots are simply stylish and I have nothing to worry about. The Coach clearly needs to get out more or start watching Offspring.

However what I did discover in the course of my investigations, was that there is no clear definition of the cfm boot. But if you are in any doubt, double check your intended purchase against the two images below and if your boots resemble either of these, I think you may be close to crossing over to the dark side.

Just forget about it...really...

If you are going to a fancy dress party as a hooker then yes, by all means.

If they look like this, then you get a green light to proceed with your purchase because these are lovely, stylish and classic (or so I have been told)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Snoring Man.

I am quite certain that I did not marry a Snoring Man. If I go back through my files, candidate 77365 (now affectionately known as The Coach), most definitely does not have a tick in the box marked Snorer. I was vigilant with my pre-marital research. No snorers for me, no no.

But somehow, somewhere along the shifting sands of time, my non-snorer husband has (rather sneakily I feel) become The Snoring Man. How and when this occurred is somewhat of a mystery, but now I find myself tossing and turning restlessly whilst glancing at the red glow of the AWA's digital display which likes to inform me that it is now 11.30pm, now 12.05am, now 2.15am, now 3.24am...arghhh, cursed red glowing numbers.

As the hustle and bustle of the day passes and the quiet darkness of the night settles upon us, a funny thing happens. The daytime Waffles who loves a silly joke and a spot of reality tv (hang on kids, I just need to check the caramelization of the meat before I can plate up and check that I have my thirty-seven components in place) is replaced with The Snorers Wife. Now I'm sure that The Snorers Wife would appreciate a good joke over a glass of red if she weren't so damn tired. The Snorers Wife is a woman who would just about kill for a good nights sleep.

Now we mustn't confuse The Snorers Wife with The Baby Mumma. If you were to walk around the shopping centre in the bright glow of the early morning sunshine, the two may be hard to distinguish. Sticky up, slightly wonky hairdos. Dazed expressions. Bloodshot puffy eyes peering out above dark smudged crescents. Triple-shot lattes. Mismatched clothing. Oh yes, hard to tell them apart all right, but if you look hard enough you will spot the clue, one will actually have a baby. The other, a slightly disconcerting glint in their eye.

The Snorers Wife has limited compassion. In the early stages of slumber, she will gently nudge The Snoring Man, prompting him to turn over. As the hours pass, the gentle nudges are replaced with gentle knocks which eventually give way to a sharp elbow in the ribs and an agitated
"Lie on your side and stop bloody snoring."

The Snorers Wife will lie in the darkness and wonder if perhaps the couch may not be a better option, sure she'll be cold and wake up with a crink in her neck which will require fifty or more visits to the chiropractor to sort out, but really, what price does one put on a good nights sleep ?

I wish there were a happy ending to this post. A miracle cure for The Snoring Man so that The Snorers Wife could be left happily in the land of nod where she belongs. But there isn't. I am still The Snorers Wife and The Snoring Man shall be back this evening. Perhaps I should go and have a wee siesta whilst the sun is high and The Snoring Man is a slightly hazy memory.

Are you a Snorers Wife ? If you have a solution for coping with A Snoring Man please feel free to share it. The Snorers Wife, The Coach's ribs and I would be forever in your debt.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The TV Week Photo.

Just for Stomper Girl, here is the photo from TV Week, with further proof that I was only one spray can away from becoming a serial train tagger and that a private education teaches you nothing, if not goodly spelling.

Meet Waffles, aged 16 and 3/4.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think many blog writers were once Journal and Diary authors. It is in our very nature to jot down notes and write about the ideas that are bouncing around in our overactive brains and short of spending six hours on the phone at the end of the school day, I think many of us felt the need to continue our purge in written form.

I'm not certain how old I was when I first started keeping a Diary, but I have one in the top of my cupboard from when I was fifteen and they continue through until I was twenty, although as the years progress, the entries become more sporadic. Clearly I was too busy talking the ears off all my friends and boyfriends to put pen to paper, boy, weren't they the lucky ones.

I thought it might be fun to share a diary entry from when I was sixteen. Sweet sixteen *sigh* ha, I think my mother would argue that I was growing hormonal horns at that age, and re-reading my old Diaries, I think I am inclined to agree. Crikey, what a hotpot of turmoil, boys and teenage angst..oh..and boys ? Did I mention boys ? Yikes.

Anyway, for your enjoyment, please meet Waffles, aged 16 and 3/4 -

Monday 27th June 1988

Dear D,

OMIGOD, soooo much has happened since I last wrote. GAM, where to begin, that's that prob.....Well, last week Johnny Depp was in Melbourne & he went on Hey Hey It's Saturday and...well....S managed to get 3 tickets for Hey Hey though CONNECTIONS :). 1 for G, 1 for C and one for moi, well, G was sic so Butler Woman came & we saw Hey Hey, then when we came out, we found out JD was still there, so...along with about 40 other girls we waited for him & he came out and was signing autographs & stuff, but he went back in before I could get his autograph, well, C had to go at 4.30, but Butler and I along with about 4 year 10 St.C girls, who were reely nice :), till 6, oh and about 7 other dicky bogans came back, and Daryl Sommers went and got JD for us and & got his autograph and spoke to him & (shock, horror, gasp) shook his hand.


He was reely sweet. I heart JD 4 Eva.

Of course beside the above diary entry are about seven magazine pictures of Johnny Depp, including one from TV Week which shows him signing autographs after Hey Hey with a sea of teenage faces mushed up against the wire fence (and I have proudly drawn an arrow at one of the blurry mushed faces and written 'that's me'). Oh the sweet memories.

Were you a diary keeper ? Do you ever still pull out the old journals and have a laugh at your crazy teenage antics ? I am sure that having these snippets of myself as a teenager will help me when I am trying to rationalise the behaviour of my own children when they hit those formidable has to cling to something...

Monday, May 30, 2011

Morphing into The Griswolds - The Conclusion

It is surprisingly difficult to launch a recovery mission when you are travelling in a car, you are almost two hours away from your place of residence, your broken car is in one location, the keys to the broken car are in yet another location and you are trying to accommodate an elderly relative from interstate and two young children.

As you might well imagine, The Coach and I were busy racking our brains for a solution. Our usual first port of call for a broken down vehicle, the RACQ, generally assumes that you and your broken down vehicle are in the same place. Clearly our circumstances fell into the unusual category. We made a list of local friends who owed us favours (0). We made another list of friends we could potentially bribe with the lure of alcohol and/or chocolate (many). We tried contacting the first of our friends on our Bribe List and discovered (most inconveniently) that Wilderness Man, who also happens to be an airline mechanic (plane, car, much of a muchness right ?) had chosen that very morning to take off for a three day fishing and camping trip. Bummer.

It was only as The Coach declared for the sixty-seventh time that he was turning the car around, that I realised fortune was favouring us with a small break. Only one week earlier I had employed the services of a local mobile mechanic to service my car and I suddenly noticed his sticker in the top right corner of my windscreen, with a mobile phone number listed, hallelujah.

Calls were made....many calls....but by the time we arrived in Noosa, plans had been set in motion and we were reasonably confident that everything would turn out okay. Yes, the kids managed to score two days off school whilst the car was getting repaired. Yes, we now had an unexpected extra expense tapped on to the cost of our holiday. But it was a small price to pay.

As we walked into the local pizzeria that evening I discovered that our luck had indeed changed. Mojito night. Bonus. Nothing better then a mojito or five to take your mind off car issues. I embraced holiday mode with such gusto that three hours later I was embracing the toilet bowl after having fertilised the manicured gardens of Noosa with my own special blend of pizza and white rum. It's klarsy with a capital 'K' when you take a bit of Gold Coast magic to Noosa let me tell you.

The next afternoon, after I had managed the enormous trek from the bed to the couch, I decided to check in with Nanny B. Le Artiste answered the phone,

"Hi mum, are you having a nice holiday ?"
"Yes thank-you darling, but we're not talking in tin cans linked by string, if you could yell a little quieter, that would be great. How are things at home ?"
"Good. We're having two days off school and Nanny just finished talking to the policeman about dad's car."
(Oh dear God)
"The policeman ?"
"Yes, the policeman called because people thought that dad's car had been stolen and left in the middle of the road."
(I think I'm ready for another mojito)
"But Nanny sorted it all out."
"Yep, she told him the whole story....oh Nanny...."
"Oh no, what's happened now ?"
*sigh* "Oh dear mum, Nanny just tried to put water in the wrong end of the iron and it's gone all over the kitchen."
"Well I'll let you go and help Nanny out darling. I'll call you again later."
"Okay, bye mum."

"Coach, grab your wallet, I need another ten mojitos stat."

Monday, May 23, 2011

Morphing into The Griswolds - Part Three

The following conversation was recorded between the hours of 2.30 and 3.30pm on Wednesday 30th of March 2011 :

Waffles (W) : (humming happily and ignoring the torrential downpour) Are you feeling relaxed yet Coach ? Yay, we're on holidays. I might just give your mum a quick call and make sure she found the school okay.
The Coach (TC) : (jaw clenched, hunched over steering wheel) Yeah. Great. Very relaxed.
Phone : Ring Ring (a little blast from the past for those of you over the age of thirty-five)
Nanny B (NB) : Hellloooooo
W : (with an inaudible sigh of relief) Oh hi Nanny B, just wanted to check that you didn't get lost on that one road between our house and the school.
NB : Oh hello darling, no no, I didn't get lost but I'm glad you I don't want you to worry but.....
W : (holding breath) *Uh oh*
NB : ....there's been a little bit of a problem....
W : (still holding breath, turning a light shade of red)
NB : ...with the car...
W : (still holding breath, turning a light shade of purple)
NB : It stopped.
TC : Waffles, why are you turning blue ? What's mum saying ?
W : (taking a huge gulp of air to avoid passing out) What exactly do you mean by stopped ?
TC : What stopped ?
NB : just sort of stopped...
W : Aahh, do you mean stopped at the school when you turned it off ?
TC : (knuckles turning white on the steering wheel) You're kidding, the car.
NB : Well no...I got about half way to school..and it was making this terrible noise...and there was this awful burning smell....and then it just wouldn't go anymore..but I managed to get it into reverse.....and I got it off the road..mostly...then it stopped altogether.
TC : I'm turning around.
W : No no hon, keep going...we've already been driving for an hour and a half..
NB : Oh don't come back. We're fine..
W : Oh, the kids, have you got the kids ?
NB : Oh yes, I was going to walk the rest of the way...
W : (blanching at the thought of the kids making the hour long trek home in the rain)
NB : But then I though, that's just plain silly, so I knocked on the door of a house..
W : Whose house ?
NB : Oh I can't remember her name. Lovely lady though. She was just about to leave to go to work and she helped me get the keys out of the ignition..
W : You left the key in the ignition ?
TC : I'm turning around right now.
NB : Well they got stuck. But she got them out. So we locked the car and she drove me to school and we picked up the kids and then she drove us home.
W : So the car is locked..half on the side of the road...half way to school....and you have the keys...and are back at home ? (trying to avoid looking at The Coach and the surprisingly large vein that appears to be throbbing in his temple).
TC : I'm turning around.
NB : Yes. But don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Enjoy your holiday. Relax. Now who do I call ?
W : *with a small sigh* Nanny B, I think I'll have to call you back.
NB : (Cheerily) Okay darling, speak to you soon.

To be continued....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Morphing into the Griswolds - Part Two

My way of dealing with the general state of chaos that life throws at you is to make plans and lists. I loooove lists, especially with tick boxes, tick boxes are great. Prior to Nanny B's arrival plans were made to deal with my growing anxiety over the dodgy car hand over :

PLAN A - Get car serviced and have loose clutch cable tightened.

Foiled by : The Coach could still hear his radio thus the expense and inconvenience of a service was deemed an unnecessary indulgence of my paranoia.

PLAN B - The Coach would take Nanny B on the morning school run which would aid her with directions and prove an invaluable test run allowing us enough time to procure an emergency hire car, if required.

Foiled by : A last minute business meeting which The Coach had to attend on the morning of our departure.

PLAN C - I would take Nanny B on the morning school run which would aid her with directions.

Foiled by : Nanny B loves a chat...I mean really loves a chat, and she forgets to pay attention to directions when involved in a good chat.

PLAN D - The Coach would take Nanny B for a quick drive around the block approximately 2 minutes before she had to depart on the afternoon school run.

Foiled by : Business meeting running overtime. Us running late on our departure time and Nanny B stating confidently "Don't worry darling, I'll be fine."

I won't lie to you, as I stood on our balcony watching The Coach's butt hanging out of the passenger front window as he attempted to take the hand break off for Nanny B, my fears were not allayed. As I took in the light fog rolling into the valley and the dark clouds looming overhead, heavy with the threat of rain, I was thinking, this is not good, not good at all. And as The Coach joined me on the balcony and we waved Nanny B off and an altogether new and ominous sounding grating noise filled the air, I shook my head, turned to my husband and said "I have a really bad feeling about this."

To be continued.....