Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
But somehow, somewhere along the shifting sands of time, my non-snorer husband has (rather sneakily I feel) become The Snoring Man. How and when this occurred is somewhat of a mystery, but now I find myself tossing and turning restlessly whilst glancing at the red glow of the AWA's digital display which likes to inform me that it is now 11.30pm, now 12.05am, now 2.15am, now 3.24am...arghhh, cursed red glowing numbers.
As the hustle and bustle of the day passes and the quiet darkness of the night settles upon us, a funny thing happens. The daytime Waffles who loves a silly joke and a spot of reality tv (hang on kids, I just need to check the caramelization of the meat before I can plate up and check that I have my thirty-seven components in place) is replaced with The Snorers Wife. Now I'm sure that The Snorers Wife would appreciate a good joke over a glass of red if she weren't so damn tired. The Snorers Wife is a woman who would just about kill for a good nights sleep.
Now we mustn't confuse The Snorers Wife with The Baby Mumma. If you were to walk around the shopping centre in the bright glow of the early morning sunshine, the two may be hard to distinguish. Sticky up, slightly wonky hairdos. Dazed expressions. Bloodshot puffy eyes peering out above dark smudged crescents. Triple-shot lattes. Mismatched clothing. Oh yes, hard to tell them apart all right, but if you look hard enough you will spot the clue, one will actually have a baby. The other, a slightly disconcerting glint in their eye.
The Snorers Wife has limited compassion. In the early stages of slumber, she will gently nudge The Snoring Man, prompting him to turn over. As the hours pass, the gentle nudges are replaced with gentle knocks which eventually give way to a sharp elbow in the ribs and an agitated
"Lie on your side and stop bloody snoring."
The Snorers Wife will lie in the darkness and wonder if perhaps the couch may not be a better option, sure she'll be cold and wake up with a crink in her neck which will require fifty or more visits to the chiropractor to sort out, but really, what price does one put on a good nights sleep ?
I wish there were a happy ending to this post. A miracle cure for The Snoring Man so that The Snorers Wife could be left happily in the land of nod where she belongs. But there isn't. I am still The Snorers Wife and The Snoring Man shall be back this evening. Perhaps I should go and have a wee siesta whilst the sun is high and The Snoring Man is a slightly hazy memory.
Are you a Snorers Wife ? If you have a solution for coping with A Snoring Man please feel free to share it. The Snorers Wife, The Coach's ribs and I would be forever in your debt.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
As you might well imagine, The Coach and I were busy racking our brains for a solution. Our usual first port of call for a broken down vehicle, the RACQ, generally assumes that you and your broken down vehicle are in the same place. Clearly our circumstances fell into the unusual category. We made a list of local friends who owed us favours (0). We made another list of friends we could potentially bribe with the lure of alcohol and/or chocolate (many). We tried contacting the first of our friends on our Bribe List and discovered (most inconveniently) that Wilderness Man, who also happens to be an airline mechanic (plane, car, much of a muchness right ?) had chosen that very morning to take off for a three day fishing and camping trip. Bummer.
It was only as The Coach declared for the sixty-seventh time that he was turning the car around, that I realised fortune was favouring us with a small break. Only one week earlier I had employed the services of a local mobile mechanic to service my car and I suddenly noticed his sticker in the top right corner of my windscreen, with a mobile phone number listed, hallelujah.
Calls were made....many calls....but by the time we arrived in Noosa, plans had been set in motion and we were reasonably confident that everything would turn out okay. Yes, the kids managed to score two days off school whilst the car was getting repaired. Yes, we now had an unexpected extra expense tapped on to the cost of our holiday. But it was a small price to pay.
As we walked into the local pizzeria that evening I discovered that our luck had indeed changed. Mojito night. Bonus. Nothing better then a mojito or five to take your mind off car issues. I embraced holiday mode with such gusto that three hours later I was embracing the toilet bowl after having fertilised the manicured gardens of Noosa with my own special blend of pizza and white rum. It's klarsy with a capital 'K' when you take a bit of Gold Coast magic to Noosa let me tell you.
The next afternoon, after I had managed the enormous trek from the bed to the couch, I decided to check in with Nanny B. Le Artiste answered the phone,
"Hi mum, are you having a nice holiday ?"
"Yes thank-you darling, but we're not talking in tin cans linked by string, if you could yell a little quieter, that would be great. How are things at home ?"
"Good. We're having two days off school and Nanny just finished talking to the policeman about dad's car."
(Oh dear God)
"The policeman ?"
"Yes, the policeman called because people thought that dad's car had been stolen and left in the middle of the road."
(I think I'm ready for another mojito)
"But Nanny sorted it all out."
"Yep, she told him the whole story....oh Nanny...."
"Oh no, what's happened now ?"
*sigh* "Oh dear mum, Nanny just tried to put water in the wrong end of the iron and it's gone all over the kitchen."
"Well I'll let you go and help Nanny out darling. I'll call you again later."
"Okay, bye mum."
"Coach, grab your wallet, I need another ten mojitos stat."
Monday, May 23, 2011
Waffles (W) : (humming happily and ignoring the torrential downpour) Are you feeling relaxed yet Coach ? Yay, we're on holidays. I might just give your mum a quick call and make sure she found the school okay.
The Coach (TC) : (jaw clenched, hunched over steering wheel) Yeah. Great. Very relaxed.
Phone : Ring Ring (a little blast from the past for those of you over the age of thirty-five)
Nanny B (NB) : Hellloooooo
W : (with an inaudible sigh of relief) Oh hi Nanny B, just wanted to check that you didn't get lost on that one road between our house and the school.
NB : Oh hello darling, no no, I didn't get lost but I'm glad you called....now I don't want you to worry but.....
W : (holding breath) *Uh oh*
NB : ....there's been a little bit of a problem....
W : (still holding breath, turning a light shade of red)
NB : ...with the car...
W : (still holding breath, turning a light shade of purple)
NB : It stopped.
TC : Waffles, why are you turning blue ? What's mum saying ?
W : (taking a huge gulp of air to avoid passing out) What exactly do you mean by stopped ?
TC : What stopped ?
NB : Well...it just sort of stopped...
TC : WHAT STOPPED ?
W : Aahh, do you mean stopped at the school when you turned it off ?
TC : (knuckles turning white on the steering wheel) You're kidding, the car.
NB : Well no...I got about half way to school..and it was making this terrible noise...and there was this awful burning smell....and then it just wouldn't go anymore..but I managed to get it into reverse.....and I got it off the road..mostly...then it stopped altogether.
TC : I'm turning around.
W : No no hon, keep going...we've already been driving for an hour and a half..
NB : Oh don't come back. We're fine..
W : Oh, the kids, have you got the kids ?
NB : Oh yes, I was going to walk the rest of the way...
W : (blanching at the thought of the kids making the hour long trek home in the rain)
NB : But then I though, that's just plain silly, so I knocked on the door of a house..
W : Whose house ?
NB : Oh I can't remember her name. Lovely lady though. She was just about to leave to go to work and she helped me get the keys out of the ignition..
W : You left the key in the ignition ?
TC : I'm turning around right now.
NB : Well they got stuck. But she got them out. So we locked the car and she drove me to school and we picked up the kids and then she drove us home.
W : So the car is locked..half on the side of the road...half way to school....and you have the keys...and are back at home ? (trying to avoid looking at The Coach and the surprisingly large vein that appears to be throbbing in his temple).
TC : I'm turning around.
NB : Yes. But don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Enjoy your holiday. Relax. Now who do I call ?
W : *with a small sigh* Nanny B, I think I'll have to call you back.
NB : (Cheerily) Okay darling, speak to you soon.
To be continued....
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Disclaimer - Neither myself nor The Coach works for or is in any way affiliated with Nissan. I mean obviously if we were, I would already be driving a Murano wouldn't I. I have not received any form of payment from Nissan for writing this post, but if they would like to send me a Murano, I wouldn't say no. We really do just genuinely like Nissans.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
But really, how does this expression equate to what the cat actually does drag in ? As the owner of two cats, it has been my experience that the cat usually likes to bring in headless rats. Well, sometimes it's just the head, sometimes it's the body, it's like her version of those new Barbie dolls where you can pick up various heads and mix and match them with the different bodies.
Now it may come as rather a shock to learn that I don't have an assortment of tiny, rat sized bean bags placed around the living room in anticipation of the next headless corpse (although I'm sure this would make for a rather entertaining dinner conversation when we have guests over). There are no teeny tiny welcome mats, no nuggets of cheese in the fridge (and lets face it, that would be just a plain old waste of good cheese because it's awfully hard to eat cheese when you are lacking a head). Really there is nothing but a dustpan and broom on standby to unceremoniously scoop up the remains and launch them, medieval catapult style, into the bush.
So where was I actually heading with all this ? Erm..I can't really remember..but I am here to say that although my blog posts have been rather sporadic of late, and although I am pretty sure I don't in any way, shape or form resemble a headless rat, I am trying to come back and find my blogging mojo.
Last night I proudly attended the NonAusBlogCon2011 (attended in the sense of put on my Ugg boots, grabbed a glass of wine and planted myself in front of the computer to follow the Tweet Stream of all the bloggers who were down in Sydney attended the Aussie Bloggers Conference 2011). And although I went through a short period of insane, teeth grinding, hair tearing out jealousy that I was not actually attending the AusBlogCon2011, following the Twitter Stream was a timely reminder that we here in Australia are building a formidable collection of smart and savvy bloggers who it would seem have loved meeting each other IRL (that's' in real life' for those of you who don't frequent Twitter) as much as through all the wonderful stories which flow throughout the blogging network. And quite frankly, I have missed my bloggy pals, so I am determined to pull my finger out and get blogging again.
Now that I have that out of my system, I am off to live vicariously through all the blog posts about AusBlogCon2011 whilst daydreaming about AusBlogCon2012 and perhaps hand stitching a small, rat corpse sized bean bag cover. Watch out Melbourne, this is shaping up to be bigger then Ben-Hur.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
My Sea of Imagination is fed from many different rivers. The River of Literature. The River of Film. The River of Theatre. The River of Music. Well, you get my drift (excuse the pun, I just couldn't stop myself). With so much wonderful creativity pouring into it, my Sea is always full to the brim and I don't think I could stop myself from popping in for a little float, even if I wanted to.
But this brings me to another point, an observation if you will. As many of you may know, Le Artiste is now nine, and catching up with friends is a favoured past time. So I have been watching the nine year olds at play, and it has saddened me to see that their Seas seems a little more like ponds, some, mere puddles.
This is not to say that they don't have bursts of wonderful imaginative play, but I often seem to encounter blank faces and those words which can drive the most patient of souls straight up the walls, "But we are bored. There's nothing to do."
Keep in mind that these are mountain children. Children with access to large yards, an abundance of trees, many family pets, the odd lake (yes, truly) and so much opportunity it makes my head spin. They have heaps of books, vast art and craft areas, trampolines and swing sets. How on earth can they be bored ?
Well, I don't know, perhaps it is an unavoidable part of living in modern society where computers, gaming consoles, mobile phones and iPads are common place. But I for one will continue to dust off the Secret Seven, Famous Five and Moomintroll books to try and encourage my children to build their rivers, expand their ponds and join me for a dip in the Sea.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Oh what fun I tell you. I have been absolutely bamboozled by the endless options that are available on this baby. Now I don't want you think that I am being big headed or anything, but really, I think I am an absolute natural on the tablet and pen. It's a gift I tell you, I'm sure Monet felt exactly the same way when he smeared his first glob of oil paint. No, truly, look at this.........
Yup.....uh ah.....mmmmmm......I can tell that you are speechless because you are so incredibly impressed right ? Admiring the exceptional use of colour and texture. The skill used in those perfect outlines. Perhaps you should squint your eyes and tilt your head to the left ? No ? Okay, try standing on you head whilst wearing a pair of sunglasses, I know you know what I'm talking about.
Oh okay, perhaps it still needs some work. But the point is that I am having a great deal of fun trying out all the different mediums whilst I bumble around the program. Rome wasn't built in a day you know.
Playing and drifting days aside, I have a really good feeling about 2011. This is the year that I intend to grab the proverbial bull by the horns and just go for it. Life is too short and I feel like I have been in a holding pattern for the last few years. This year I intend to shine, one way or another and I hope you'll enjoy coming along and sharing the ride with me :)